Managing Conflict in Relationships

Introduction

Conflict usually, in lesser or higher degree, is associated with relationships. The fact that two individuals cannot be exactly the same, points out that their viewpoints will also differ. This is the reason that several couples counseling techniques have evolved. Couples’ counseling gain significance if those conflicts start to put in danger the relationship entirely. It can be argued that occasional argument is acceptable in a relationship, although arguments of high frequency are a source of unhappiness and stress. In relationships, conflict is virtually unavoidable as two individuals in question cannot be exactly alike which makes dealing with the conflict very important in ensuring healthy and successful union. The challenges in relationships arise in various ways. The key aspect of a healthy relationship is the ability of a couple to communicate with each other. A better understanding is achieved as a result of functional communication between the partners and for a successful union, understanding is the key (Gurman, 2008).

Two most important models of therapy pertaining to the marriage counseling are provided below.

Gottman Method

Gottman Method Couples Therapy is endowed with research and practice that stressed over three decades with over three thousand couples participants in clinical settings. The couple counseling techniques used by Gottman Method is for increasing respect, closeness, and affection. These techniques provide helping hand in resolving conflict at the time of impasse. A couple can be learning to understand each other and calmly discuss their problems. The couples counseling with Gottman Method indicates the couples the way they can build love maps. This will help each person learning about the psychological world of their partners by mapping their partner’s history, hopes, joys, stresses, and worries. This has been a couples therapy method allowing each individual stating their needs and emphasize on conflict management instead of conflict resolution. The two individuals with the help of this method will be learning to speak honestly about their convictions and aspirations. Commitment and trust is then reinforced to a lifelong relationship (Grier, 2006).

Narrative Therapy

Narrative therapy is another couple counseling technique that seeks separating the problem from the individual with externalization of the concerning issues. Each client will be instructed to describe, in narrative form, their problems, following which, the story’s negative parts will be asked to be rewritten. The acknowledgement of the problem fails in defining an individual but it indicates what the individual has. This helps the individuals in question gaining new perspective of the situation. The narrative therapy helps the individual clients viewing their problems from different angles: socially, politically, and culturally. As the negative issues are stated in narrative form, each individual in the story becomes dynamic. There is ability in the dynamic in changing the story. The exploring the past is allowed by the narrative therapy in bringing light to the negativities which remains hidden otherwise (Grier, 2006). With the exploration of the behaviors and conceptions, the client couples gain insights to facts which they have been troubled with. In this way, the couples in question get new ways of dealing with their problem by effective narrative rewriting of their relationships.

Continue your journey with our comprehensive guide to Reforming Discipline: Child Protection Laws.

Chosen model for the Case Study

The chosen model for the case study is the Gottman Method. This model has been chosen as this has been an approach to couples therapy inclusive of the couple relationship’s in-depth assessment and integration of research based interventions on the basis of the Sound Relationship House Theory. This makes the Gottman Method very effective especially in the context of marital problems.

Case Study

Question one

At this stage, it can be well understood that there is considerable amount of bitterness between the husband and the wife that has led to a situation where the wife is seeking divorce. Since, the wife wants divorce, it can be assessed that there is an impasse with no solution in sight, at least to the wife. The goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy are to disarm conflicting verbal communication, increase intimacy, respect, and affection, remove barriers that create a feeling of stagnancy in conflicting situations, and create a heightened sense of empathy and understanding within the context of the relationship. This impasse can be resolved with the help of the Gottman Method. With regards to the bitterness of the wife towards her husband, this method will also help for increasing respect, closeness, and affection between the spouses. Some of the goals of Gottman Method Couples Therapy are disarming the verbal communication that are conflicting, increasing intimacy, affection, and respect and removing barriers creating a stagnancy feeling in the situations of conflicts, and creating a delicate sense of understanding and empathy within the relationship context (Gurman, 2013). Thus, to improve these factors between the husband and wife in question, the Gottman Method can be used as well. The couples entering the Gottman Method starts by assessing the process which then informs the therapeutic interventions and framework.

Assessment

It was decided to take a conjoint session, after which, there will be conduction of individual interviews with both husband and wife. The questionnaires will be completed by the couples and followed by the receiving of the feedback on their relationships.

Therapeutic framework

The therapist and the couple will be deciding on the session’s duration.

Therapeutic interventions

The designing of the interventions in helping the couples strengthening their relationships will be in three main areas: conflict management, friendship, and to create shared meanings. The couples will be learning the replacement of positive interactions with conflict patterns and repairing of the past hurts (Poulton, 2012). The designing of the interventions will be for increasing intimacy and closeness that are usable deepening emotional connection, improving friendship, and creating changes that will be enhancing the shared goals of the couples. The prevention of the relapse will be addressed too.

Question two

As per the suggestions of the Gottman, the strongest friendship will result in the best sex. In a series of interviews conducted by Dr. John Gottman and his research team on couples that shortly before had their first baby where the interviews were regarding intimacy and sex, the hypothesis was confirmed that there is high degree of interrelations between good sex and friendship, intimate trust, and conversations creating emotional connection.

To talk about sex is more intimate compared to having sex

This has been found out to be the key part to cultivate a healthy sex life, which is to talk about healthy sex life. It is only 9 percent of the couples that are sexually satisfied without the ability of talking about sex comfortably.

The following questions pertain to the couple in question as to whether they have attempted to talk about their sexual preferences.

Talking about their hopes, fears, and sexual preferences

Whether they have ever intimated their partner about their sexual story

Whether they know their sexual story (Gottman & Silver, 2012)

This sexual story is not their story about triumph, but how they learned about sex, how they started becoming aware of their sexuality, how has been their experience of shame and pain, and also about beauty and joy of sex. However, for the couple who have come for counseling, it can be tough. Since, they have an adolescent daughter living with them, it is not a typical conversable that can be very suitable when their daughter is around. Moreover, it is not recommended that they should be instant messaging or texting these kinds of intimate details. It should be noted here that my no means this kind of conversation should be attempted during sex. To talk about sex, intimate space and time is needed. For this couple, it is strongly advised to them that what has been said so far regarding sex is treated as a priority by both. For the sexuality of the partners, creation of Love Maps is recommended by Gottmans. It is also advised to them that they can start this concept in a simple way. There is no need for either of them to go to technique questions straight away.

Intimacy has greater importance than intercourse

Generically, people are conditioned in thinking about sex in relation to quality and quantity of intercourse. However, rather than the act, sex is more about the connection. There are life seasons when sex tolerance and capacity fluctuates. It is not possible to measure the sex life’s health by a number (Gottman, 2011). Had it been the case, there would have been trouble for men with erectile dysfunction or the postpartum moms. Further, the problems also would have occurred for the distracted, the depressed, and the deployed. The intimacy is critical irrespective of possibility related to orgasm. This where there is usefulness in talking about sex. The sex is not limited to just fostering intimacy, it has also to do with resolution and conflict, or growing old together. The intimacy’s commitment can yield more satisfying and more frequent sex (Gottman, Gottman, & DeClaire, 2006).

Impersonal sex has more fun compared to personal sex

Impersonal sex may have more fun, but cease to involve the building of intimacy building requiring hard work. It is widely known that pornography is a peril and can be dubbed as the impersonal sex’s most accessible example. Some of the arguments against the impersonal sex are as follows.

It corroborate the promotion of violence towards and objectification of women

It can be the cause of change in the brain leading to addiction

It is illegal and immoral

It is ubiquitous (Gottman & Silver, 1999)

The pornography’s biggest problem is that it has convinced women and men across the world that sex is easy, which is the fun point of impersonal sex. By now it is clear that the critical point is not fun, but committed relationship and sharing both mind and body. This is little risky and difficult and better. The personal sex is hard work and it is not easy. It is the initiation of initiating and refusing sex. It needs knowing one’s partner’s preferences, dreams and body. The work also entails overcoming shame, fear, and resistance. This is exactly what the husband and wife in question have to do to overcome the current resistance to sex. The husband must make his wife feel special by praising her and her attractiveness instead criticizing her physical attraction. This technique should work and the couple must have the commitment to improve their romantic, passionate, intimate, and sexual lives with each other (Gottman, 2004).

Question three

There are 3 main couple therapy models in the form of Gottman Method Couples Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, and Emotionally Focused Therapy that deserves attention.

Generative conversation sacrament and Imago Relationship

The Imago Therapy’s origin story recounts the narrative of the developers of the model, Harville and his wife Helen being in the engagement of conflict conversation. Harville was suggested by Helen that she can be taking turns in listening and speaking. For certain reasons, Helen and Harville have had their focus on repeating verbatim of each other. This resulted in magic and led to the birth of a great couples therapy model (Charny, 1992).

Imago Mojo

The neuroscience studies conducted recently have confirmed that to hold a close gaze and mirroring behaviors (in the form of word to word quoting partners) they should do activation in the brain with mirror neurons. These mirror neurons are largely considered as mammalian/human brain’s bedrock for empathy. More findings have shown that Generative Conversations ‘experienced holders such as Imago protocol go into a pattern of brainwave having similarity to meditation. The practitioners of Imago claim that clients of couples therapy, in their first session, may have the experiences of altered brainwave pattern. The dialogues of the Imago couples therapy may have been instilling a sense of presence and tranquility. There have been several clients finding this mirror neurons experience an anxiety’s intriguing offset, which otherwise may be found to be escalated and arduous in the couples therapy experience (Weiner-Davis, 2001). In 2011, Imago that sought respect as a couples therapy model that is evidence based held a summit with Gottmans. On Imago, there have been encouraging pieces of researches, although active listening which forms the central premise could not impress Gottman. From the perspective that is evidence based, Imago Mojo bid did not have much with respect to be considered as evidence based model of couples therapy. One intervention can be intriguing but that does not make a model.

Imago Mojo versus Attachment Styles

There have been remarks from certain critiques on the deficits that go with use of Imago with Dismissive-Avoidant clients and insincerely attached. The struggle of the clients has been for the slow pace needed for verbatim exchanges. The limitations are also reported by the Imago therapists with additional 15-20 percent of clients who neither look forward nor appreciate the practice of occasional slow Imago dialogues. These have been neuro-atypical or very intelligent clients failing in comprehending the reason for which they need in repeating the words verbatim of their partner. If they resist the therapist it can become problematic as well with these couples. The models of couples therapy resembles the tool boxes. To understand the weaknesses and strengths of any model as well as any couple forms the characteristics of advanced training and skill. The husbands who are avoidant may be seeking the cover in Imago. The slow paces and lower emotional intensity reduces their stonewalling or flood inclination. There are also reports from the Imago therapists that in couples therapy and during the Imago dialogue, some couples bliss-out on mirror neurons and for going home falling to familiar homeostatic kitchen sink. There are also clients who are conflict-avoidant appreciating the Imago dialogue’s de-escalation, although there is reluctance on their part in using it as ongoing and robust intervention and therefore remaining conflict avoidant ever. A couples therapy model, in other words, work across various kinds of couples, which is a struggle for Imago in this area (Weiner-Davis, 1992). Therefore, the clients in this case study should go for couples therapy model instead of Imago, because they are neither neuro-atypical clients nor are they Dismissive-Avoidant or Conflict-Avoidant clients. This couple is not afraid to talk about their conflicts or discussing the sensitive issues with the therapist neither have they struggled with slow pace needed for verbatim exchanges as they never expressed any reservation or tried to limit the number of sessions needed with the therapist.

Imago and Gottman Couples Therapy Models

John Gottman and Julie Gottman, the husband and wife with research of forty years produced Gottman Method Couples Therapy. It is on Integrative Couples Therapy Model produced by Jacobsen that the Gottman Method that observational coding innovations is built on with. The background of Gottman has been as a mathematician that helped bringing precision conducive to measure couples therapy’s success. The dyadic skill building interventions of Gottman are elegant and simple. The clients of Gottman Method find it quite easy to use. The communication based approach of Gottman gives information to the best angles pertaining to the Imago Relationship Therapy. The Gottman is admired by the Imago therapists and they do quoting of him often. Gottman can be considered as the real deal in couples therapy models. Nonetheless, at times Gottman has been coolly skeptical and warmly enthusiastic towards Emotionally focused Couples Therapy of Susan Johnson. These two theories have struggle between them in terms of ambition related argument (Johnson, 2004). The clients in this case study can be vastly helped by the Gottman in detecting and flushing out the emotional backup and helping the couple building and protecting a marriage that is at least “good enough”. It is quite unfair when Gottman is accused of a lack in EFT’s loftier aspirational dimensions.

Imago and EFT Couples Therapy Models

Posit of the EFT has been the act of the couple as secure bases for each other. Dissimilar to the other couples therapy models, the argument has been that EFT has a format and structure like the individual therapy. While both Gottman and Imago needs the therapist to guide and structure communication actively, EFT has been different in terms of its initial focus been less dyadic. In the EFT’s early stages, there is more to do for the therapist than heavy lifting (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008). The EFT therapist validates and emphasize with the pain experiences that the couples may have gone through. The therapeutic bond’s quality can become a clinical tool of long term. Again unlike Gottman and Imago, EFT provides helping hand to the clients communicating with one another without the actual requirement of softening their words. EFT seeks in uncovering and processing raw primary emotion, rather than meticulously deconstructing and reconfiguring communication (Greenberg & Goldman, 2008).

Question four

Treatment plan

Stage one, Step one

Goal: Accessing the primary emotions

Interventions:

Actively focusing and engaging the emotional experience that occurs sporadically. Acknowledging the validating the secondary responses. Focusing on engaging the partners to explore more on experiences by having an open stance towards the person with speaking slower than usual and the pauses are longer and softer and lower voice along with concrete and simple words (Anker, Duncan, & Sparks, 2009).

Stage one, Step two

Goal:

Reframing the problem in terms of attachment needs and underlying emotions

Interventions:

Attending and observing the client’s style to process emotions, identifying and responding to the aspects of their experiences that are painful. One person’s position is focused in the interaction and the way this person has been experiencing his own and the other’s emotion in this interaction (Bambling, 2007).

Stage two, Step three

Goal:

Previously avoided or unformulated experience is claimed, encountered and expressed congruently to the partner.

Intervention:

The process is redirected, and if needed, the interference of the other partner is blocked.

Goal:

Partners take the possession of their relationship related emotional experiences

Husband professes why he had been cruel to her wife as he expresses his unfulfilled need of acceptance and longing when she does not respond to him.

Intervention:

The orientation is given to the husband to his needs in the relationship (Blanchard, Hawkins, Baldwin, & Fawcett, 2009).

Goal: Husband will be reaching a synthesis or a sense of closure of his undying emotion and this experience will be related clearly to his wife with emphasis of sharing on self.

Goal: Desires and attachment longings started to be articulated clearly.

Stage two, Step four

Goal:

The same process is repeated with the wife.

Wife professes why she went into a shell as she felt unwanted leading to a very low self esteem as he had been critical about her appearance.

Intervention:

Same process is repeated as step three.

Stage two, Step five

Goal:

Supporting the other partner in hearing, processing and responding to their spouse of what they expressed in step three and four. This enables the new experience in becoming part of, and beginning to reshape, the interaction of the couple.

Intervention:

Evocative responding is applied, which is expanding the sense of feeling of an emotional experience with reflections and questions and expanding the meaning/formulation of the experience. The focus will also be on how the response is organized amidst heightened emotional response in making them more present and alive (Bradbury & Lavner, 2012). The restructuring of the interactions and emphatic conjecture is applied with the enactments choreographing.

Goal:

Help is provided in a constructive way to the partner with the partner’s expression of fear and the new behavior.

Intervention:

It is contained with the initial discounting effect of the new response of the each partner by the other, where both are distressed and supporting each in his/her confusion to encounter this ‘new’ spouse (Davis, Lebow, & Sprenkle, 2012).

Stage two, Step six

Goal:

Creating bonding and emotional engagement events, redefining the attachment with the facilitation of the partners’ expression and formulation of wants and needs to each other

Intervention:

Empathetic conjecture, evocative responding, reflecting and tracking the cycle is carried out that marks the start of a new and positive cycle, restructuring interactions and reframing.

Goal

Achieving withdrawer reengagement of wife

Intervention:

Empathetic conjecture, evocative responding, reflecting and tracking the cycle is carried out that marks the start of a new and positive cycle, restructuring interactions and reframing (Halford, 2011).

Goal:

Achieving blamer softening, which is needed more for the wife than for the husband.

Intervention:

Empathetic conjecture, evocative responding, reflecting and tracking the cycle is carried out that marks the start of a new and positive cycle, restructuring interactions and reframing (Halford, 2011).

Stage two, Step seven

Goal:

Facilitating the coming out of new solutions to the old problems

Partners develop perspectives on the relationship’s pragmatic issues such as what will happen to their youngest daughter who is still not an adult and living with them.

Intervention:

Support is provided in the re-engaging initiatives and helping each other opening and responding to these actions (Halford, 2011).

Stage 2, Step eight

Goal:

Consolidation is extended to the new cycles/positions of attachment behavior

Intervention:

Reflection and validation is provided to the new responses and patterns restructuring interactions, reframing and evocative responding (Halford, 2011).

Conclusion

The therapies and the treatment plan used in to the couple in the case study will help them constructing an overview of the process of therapy and appreciating the changes made by them. The treatment process will also help the couple constructing satisfying and coherent narrative and thereby capturing their experiences of the process of therapy and the new understanding related to their relationship. This should help them solving their problems and articulating future goals and dreams for the relationship.

References

Anker, M. G., Duncan, B. L., & Sparks, J. A. (2009). Using client feedback to improve couple therapy outcomes: A randomized clinical trial in a naturalistic setting. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 77(4), 693–704.

Bambling, M. (2007). Does it work? Research on the effectiveness of couple therapy. In E. Shaw & J. Crawley (Eds.), Couple therapy in Australia: issues emerging from practice (pp. 49–76). Kew, Vic.: PsychOz Publications.

Blanchard, V. L., Hawkins, A. J., Baldwin, S. A., & Fawcett, E. B. (2009). Investigating the effects of marriage and relationship education on couples’ communication skills: A meta-analytic study. Journal of Family Psychology, 23(2), 203–214.

Gottman, J. M., & Silver, N. (2012). What makes love last: How to build trust and avoid betrayal. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Gottman, J. M. (2011). The science of trust: Emotional attunement for couples. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

Gottman, J. S. (Ed.). (2004). The marriage clinic casebook. New York: W.W. Norton and Company.

Greenberg, L. S. & Goldman, R. (2008). Emotion Focused Couple Therapy: The Dynamics of Emotion, Love, and Power, Washington, American psychological Association.

Gurman, A. (2008). Clinical Handbook of Couple Therapy, 4th edition. London, Guildford Press.

Halford, W. K. (2011). Marriage and relationship education: What works and how to provide it. New York: Guilford Press.

Johnson, S. M. (2004). The practice of emotionally focused couple’s therapy (2nd ed.). New York: Brunner-Routledge.

Poulton, J. L. (2012). Object Relations and Relationality in Couple Therapy: Exploring the Middle Ground. London, Jason Aronson.

Weiner-Davis, M. (1992). Divorce busting. New York: Simon and Schuster.

Weiner-Davis, M. (2001). The divorce remedy. New York: Simon and Schuster.