Professional Development and Core Conditions

Client Profile and Placement:

I have changed my client’s name to protect anonymity. I have obtained written consent of my client for taking permission to use relevant information. I refer to my client as Racheal and to her mother as Amanda. Rachael’s relationship with her mother has broken down and she does not refer to her as her mother. I welcomed Rachael into a therapeutic relationship at my placement fourteen months ago - a charity organisation that offers open-ended counselling (more detail) Rachael suffers with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) and compartmentalises any challenging experiences. Rachael lost her son twenty years ago, when he was hit by a bus aged ten. Prior to the accident Rachael suffered premonitions that her son would die. She expressed telling her son that it is up to him if he pulls through as he lay conscious in hospital. She asked paramedics not to revive him if they needed to. She arranged his organ donation with her son prior to this accident and told her son that, he would be taken away by Social Services 3 days prior to his death. Rachael’s reason for entering therapy has been to help her avoid compartmentalising and to deal with feelings of guilt. She felt reluctant to enter therapy but felt a need rather than a want.

Rachael was sexually abused as a child. She was bullied at school which began at approximately age 8 and continued throughout her schooling. She is suffered from domestic violence by her ex-husband, and he exposed her to prostitution. The deceased son was picked on by the father and Rachael expressed that she did not protect the son and he was treated in ways that characterise emotional and physical abuse. Rachael struggled to bond with her son but expressed that his death has allowed her to be a better parent as a grandmother. Rachael experienced her childhood as very controlling by her mother, often starved as her mother told her that she was fat. She felt that, she was restricted in her own choices which led her to leave home at age seventeen. Rachael has shared how she wanted to be liked and to fit in and feels that, she entered a path of destruction and attracted the wrong company (Can add more about if I feel essential)

Since, being engaged in therapy for eighteen months, she has expressed her therapeutic goal being to disclose her secrets, expressed by Rachael as ‘until the secrets are out’. Her OCD symptoms have improved. Rachael had gastric band surgery two years ago and has lost 7.5 stone. Our work so far has created a more honest relationship with her and developed an internal locus of evaluation and self-concept (Rogers, 1961). Rachael feels more resilient and self-assured.

In the beginning, I found that, joining Rachael’s lived adversity gave me a sense of entering a dark place. I became aware of my diametrical position appearing so different to hers (Miller, 2011). I feared to tread closer to a place that felt exceedingly different to me in how Rachael emotionally engaged with life and others; and how she related to her own child as a mother (Gerhardt, 2015). I believe that the stark difference we can experience with others can be equated to as a different culture and this is how it appeared to me (Lago, 2011). As counsellors, we should possess an abundance of the core conditions (Rogers, 1951), but sometimes can struggle to access these (BACP, 2017).

I cannot just walk into mycounselling room and switch on unconditional positive regard (UPR) (Rogers, 1957). I have noticed myself go through the process of how UPR develops through the therapeutic relationship (Clarkson, 1995), what this experience means to me and how Rachael may perceive it (Bozarth and Wilkins, 2001). Prior to this, I could not appreciate my current position fully. I felt incongruence in me as I was ascertaining my client’s position and trying to understand them (Rowan, 1993). I was being challenged from many directions and being aware of another ethical side where I also have a duty of care to assess whether Rachael could be a danger to herself or others (BACP, 2017). I was challenged by my own core values, but I remained grounded in my Humanistic position and beliefs (Schneider, et al, 2015), which allowed me to enter our relationship and engage by working closely and willingly (BACP, 2017) Rachael appears friendly and enthusiastic and seems dedicated to make the changes she desires. When I think about this commitment and our work together; I feel humbled to have Rachael as my client and I am moved by her progress, the meanings to her process that she often reflects on and shares (Rogers, 1942), and equally my own growth within my counselling role (BACP, 2017).

There appears a sense of mystery within the work (more so on reflection of our sessions). Rachael’s reason for entering therapy was to help relieve her guilt and later in our work expressed a wish to disclose her secrets (see Appendix I, B, p.43)

‘Yes I have and I want to talk about my feelings, things that I have done and ‘the thing’ that I need to talk about but haven’t been able to talk about, explore around that, my behaviour, ways of being and how I always found myself blending with others’ (Appendix, I, B, p.43)

I believe, these are events of her past that Rachael is trying to come to terms with, and these do not feel of importance to me, but what is important is that I can offer her what she needs and that she can reach out to me. I warm to Rachael as I notice her honesty and openness and feel reactive to encourage her to let down her defences and equally trust that it needs to feel right for Rachael (Schneider, et al, 2015). I feel confident that, we have reached a phase in our work where enough trust has built with a sense of a mutual care and respect. I embrace her with an unconditional accepting presence, whatever her secrets may be and that does not mean that, I have to agree with any behaviours or attitudes (Bozarth and Wilkins, 2001). This is where, I feel most genuine as I am honest and open with what I am feeling and receptive to what Rachael is bringing (Wosket, 2001). So that, I can be present with Rachael without trying as this process now appears to flow naturally.

Initially I felt it hard to understand a mother’s love so limiting that left me questioning if Rachael had a psychopathological condition (Freeth, 2007). This felt non-Humanistic, creating incongruence in me (Schneider, et al, 2015). I had also entered a period of grieving the son and my focus appeared influenced any immoralities, which provoked my morals. Consequently, diminishing my ability to feel fully focused on Rachael. This became a difficult position, as I wrestled to understand Rachael and unconditionally accept (Bozarth and Wilkins, 2001). It was hard to understand her behaviours and reactions towards her deceased son. For me showing no emotions around any expressed traumatic experiences brought out disapproval in me. I was aware of her defences, and mindful that these are natural. For instance, when she mentioned ‘guilt’, there was no expressed feeling to this, no change in tone or facial expression, it sounded meaningless. I could not pick up on any sense or feeling with this. And I am mindful that I am viewing this from my frame of reference (Egan, 2013). It was challenging for me to connect to or to break through these defences (Kramer, 2010).

Being able to actually let go of my prejudices to make sure that I am doing the best for Rachael by offering my ethical responsibility has allowed me to provide Rachael a safe growth promoting therapeutic safe (BACP, 2019). A turning point for me was the support of my supervisor, who brought attention to how Rachael walks through life and tells her story people may look at her, and giving insight to how life must feel for her (see Appendix III, 1). In this moment, I felt protective over Racheal as I connected to her vulnerability. I also felt this was valuable learning in my training (BACP, 2017) and understanding of honouring human experience (Braud and Anderson, 1998).

This created a shift in the work where I was no longer distracted by the child’s suffering and noticed myself more freely enter into my client’s despair’ (Appendix III, 1)

Over time I noticed how my focus became centred on Rachael (Rogers, 1995). I enjoyed this feeling and brought calmness to the work as I trusted myself and Rachael in our responses and reactions that felt deeply engaging and of therapeutic value (Wosket, 2001). On deeper reflection, I noticed the monster in my own story of perhaps all the experiences that, I have experienced that may resemble to me a metaphorical monster which emerged (JUNG) spontaneously through my clay work that reflected in Rachael’s story’ I am aware that this may have increased my negative reaction to Rachael’s story initially. It helped me to identify what this therapeutic relationship signifies and my perceptions all the elements combined (Langdridge, 2007) (Appendix II, a) (Appendix IV, 1a).

I spent many reflective moments trying to get closer to Rachael’s experience, to help identify the therapeutic process, how Rachael and I meet together to make sense of her inner world and how she perceives herself, including my own reactions and responsesand taking ownership for these.

Particularly a painful memory in my own childhood entered my awareness on reflection of this creative process - This resembled experiencing a form of mistreatment. What I recognised in my own experience reflected similarity to the coldness, I was noticing in Rachael, when she expressed her son’s suffering. My defences initially prevented me from entering Rachael’s story fully or at least deeply with the heuristic research method (Moustakas, 1990). (Appendix IV, 1a)

Through the understanding of Rachael and by a way of being with her, I am moving through her worldly views/experience; and through feeling/perceiving this with her, my early disapproving/ defences diminished, and my acceptance grew. My sense of her has flourished - I am identifying more closely with her emotionally. I reflected in session nine: (see faithful recollection, (Appendix I, B, p.41)

‘I felt deeply attuned to her and allowed a moment to for her to reflect on what she had shared, and I expressed my empathy by saying: ‘there is sadness as you look back at your childhood’(Appendix I, B, p.41) add her response

I have always felt enthusiastic to create a safe and supporting space from the moment we met (BACP, 2017). This is confirmed by how our work feels and what Rachael expresses in relation to her progress:

Rachael: ‘I feel with you it’s different because I know it comes from here (Rachael placed hand on heart) and the environment is different, I feel really cared for here, I feel safe in this space’ (Appendix I, B, p.43).

I feel content that I am providing a space where Rachael can grow. This I aim for in my role as a counsellor. Throughout our work, I have been person centred in my approach and leaned on a variety of Humanistic theoretical approaches (Barker, et al, 2010) – this has promoted a creative adjustment for Rachael and encouraged an honest and meaningful relationship (Kepner, 2013). I join Rachael by continuously tracking her responses, her views and feelings and with this, I am also aware of my own feelings and responses and accept these and work with these to identify further meanings and truths to support Rachael, where she feels that she is at. These elements between us create the therapeutic relationship, which is noticeably growth promoting (Tolan and Wilkins, 2012).

Myself and Rachael were talking in the last session and we explored, how she feels that, she benefits from our way of working and we identified it as I do not have the solution in my bag and she doesn’t have the ingredients, which she can just pick out, they develop naturally through the process of working in the here and now, moment to moment and listening intently with care and acceptance and willingness to join her without changing or naming something or touching in on something that may not be ready or simply not available. Our relationship is defined in such a way that Rachael knows what to expect, that there may be moments, which may be challenging but in such a way that they allow her to go deeper into her process and peel away layers that are holding her captive. She has a heightened self-awareness, congruence and a better and renewed sense of their organismic valuing process (Mearns and Thorne, 2007).

And unlike in the beginning of therapy clients can have expectations of therapists having instant solutions. Things emerge at the spontaneously and led by Racheal and myself in my responses to what I am picking on. This is the magnificence in our work that Rachael has felt the benefits of, she trusts the process – she values it, because she has experienced the benefits and she believes that it fits what she needs. The work, we do feel real and recently Rachael shared that, she would call the title of her process (if it were a book), which I invited her to, as ‘Fate meets Reality’ and she further expressed this as: ‘necessary chances’. I had a dream after this session and woke up in the morning with a significant message that stated: ‘When self gets self’ (See Appendix II, e).

I feel this may relate to my thoughts on Rachael appearing to have a better sense of her true self. It also made me reflect on how the timing feels fitting and how I could have let her down had I been blind to my early defences, then, the book title may read ‘Fate meets Fake’ – If I had I initially believed that, I was meeting Rachael with UPR and been disconnected from the parts that were preventing me from accepting her unconditionally (Jung) (BACP, 2017). This could have been a damaging experience for her. I would have met her with exactly that that restricted her natural development (Beckett and Taylor, 2016) (see Appendix III, d).

Now that, I have been able to get an understanding of Rachael’s conditions of worth and how these developed through her mother placing conditions of worth that felt unloving without positive regard and restricted Rachael’s sense of self (Rogers, 1942). I hold full acceptance and respect that, Rachael is doing the best she can, at her pace and her desire, this free will and choice brings me a sense of peace and knowing we are going in the direction that feels right for her and this feel new to her, I trust our path - to move subtly through the darkest nights where each session brings further light. Rachael is expressing many positive changes, which feel empowering for her and brings a sense of immense joy to me. I notice, I am feeling a desire in me to help ease her anguish. I sense how I am reaching out to her.

On occasions I experience a spontaneous affection, something that has grown between us, a sense of loving into the room. This feeling has appeared more frequently throughout our work. A commitment to ease her suffering has brought out a maternal side in me (Appendix III). This allowed me to understand that, my openness and feeling is a genuine caring, that Rachael began to start feeling more willing and more open to express her. I also understand that, I and Rachael created a climate, where she could openly explore aspects of her being let things come into her awareness without a pretence or force. I found myself offering my presence to Rachael, as I felt deeply attuned and willing to enter and be part of Rachael’s inner world and sense of self (Rowan, 2002). Thus, have an understanding and therefore feel empathy - through recognising what was going on within me and not pushing away any feelings that sat uncomfortably and instead working these through in supervision and self-supervising myself, grew an increased acceptance and respecting Rachael as a human being (Schneider, et, 2015). (Appendix III, 1c). I noticed warmth towards Rachael becoming intensified. A significant moment of change arose, when Rachael and I had worked on a timeline (see Appendix II, ) and in the following session:

Rachael: ‘I noticed that in the previous session I did not mark down the sexual abuse onto the time line and had forgotten about this which has made me realise that it doesn’t seem to mean anything to me anymore and having explored it here has helped remove it, it no longer means anything to me’ It was really enlightening to realise that I didn’t need to close the compartment again and this is a new experience for me (see Appendix I, A, p.39 )

Counsellor: ‘You are aware of doing things differently and this is enlightening for you’ (Appendix I, A, p.39).

As Rachael conveyed this, I felt warmth which touches in on the hope and desire I hold for positive change and felt a sense of happiness for Rachael (Cooper, et al, 2013). On deeper reflection I am thinking about how I may embrace this warmth as this resembles a reflection of the nurturing I received in my childhood, a sense of self soothing when I perceive this response (Miller, 2011), and the nurturing that comes natural to me with my loved ones. For this reason, I am curious, if I can feel connected to this more, where I feel a sense of safety. Therefore, try to create a climate that encourages affectional bonds (Bowlby, 2005). This also brought further awareness (Houston, 1990) to my secure attachment style and that I tend to form and encourage a climate for long lasting secure relationships personally and professionally (Bowlby, 1998). I noticed, how Rachael looked relaxed in her posture with her feet stretched out and her body rested back in the chair, their head rested backwards with a deeply contented look which gave me a sense of calmness which felt present in the room, which also reminded me of a time when Rachael expressed how she could feel relaxed within this space and it was something that she did not expect to experience in counselling (see Appendix I, A, p. 40).

Rachael ‘I feel safe in this space and sometimes there are moments I feel gosh this is challenging but in a good way because I feel it is coming from a good place’. I asked Rachael ‘what that was like for her to share that with me to bring it into the room?’ I was trying to bring awareness to Rachael to get in touch with any bodily sensations that fit the experience and she responded: ‘It feels good and frightening because I think about how being open things may come up when I least expects them to’ (Appendix I, B, p.44).

I felt that through asking Rachael how she experienced sharing this with me I consciously brought attention to how this may feel for her which also illuminates the words in ways that may present in bodily sensations and bring further awareness and allow her to experience of sharing her world with me (Sanders, et al, 2016).

Counsellor: ‘Would you communicate that with me if you felt that I said something that might not sit well with you? Rachael: ‘well that wouldn’t happen because I just can’t imagine that happening with you’ Counsellor: What if it did appear to you like that without it being my intention? Rachael: ‘Well I look up to you’ Counsellor: ‘Well I am just a person like you’

Rachael: ‘yes, but you have the authority and you’re just not like that, I can’t imagine it’

Counsellor:‘Well I am just a person like you’

I tried to convey that, I am a person like she is. I feel, it is important to bring to forefront any power imbalance and I get this sense that, she places me on a hierarchy (Proctor, 2017). I believe that, it is essential show that, I am human too, highlighting a sense of mutuality and I am hopeful that this will allow her to take more risks and that it is ok to let down her defences when she feels ready. She places significant value to her therapeutic achievements by the unstructured working in the here and now without direction other than me following Rachael and encouraging an openness and exploration of Rachael’s inner world (Palmer and Woolfe, 2000).

Rachael expressed:

‘Partly being a discomfort because it is alien (to how she structures things) and I am a very impatient person but this process has helped me to rain in my impulses, ‘which is a huge big thing’ and I feel more confident (see Appendix I, A, p. 40). ‘Only just this week gone have I been able to notice my physical appearance, my new image and give myself credit and value myself’ (Rogers, 1942). BOX (Appendix I, A, p.40)

Our work is implementing a powerful way for her to love herself as she is, increasingly. Rachael has also expressed that this way of working has positively helped her reduce her OCD symptoms and that she has noticed significant moments of change

‘I can step out of my comfort box and I feel safe, it feels good’ Rachael: ‘it was really enlightening to realise that I didn’t need to close the compartment again and is a new experience for me’ - (see Appendix I, A, p.39)

I hold respect for Rachael’s honesty and willingness to engage in therapy – I respect her as a person and appreciate how our views may differ and with this my desire to help support them has grown session by session. On reflection when we began to work on a timeline this appeared to stand still (due to Rachael’s health scare) at age ten in Rachael’s life. Although only mentioned briefly (Rachael placed focus on how she had noticed growth and change in not having to store a compartment).

I describe this process as:

I noticed, I was feeling in disagreement to Rachael’s behaviours, I would then endeavour to understand Rachael to filter through anything that might hinder me from meeting her fully and depending on the transactions throughout sessions. I played part in these in how Rachael experiences her inner and outer world - how this was expressed and received. I came to realise that, I respected that, her reality is as equally important as what mine is to me and perceived that the oppressive feelings within me reduced over the course of our work and I was feeling more of a palpable warmth and caring for Racheal which was pertinent and has been emphasised within supervision(see Appendix III ). Our relationship has grown with a mutual willingness and trust and with caring and with that acceptance alerted me to notice UPR within my whole sense of being– a feeling that feels fulfilling but also natural, it does not come or go, there’s a constancy. I completely accepted Rachael. Although I am not necessarily in agreement with Rachael, it did not matter anymore whether her values fit mine or what may be morally right or wrong. A sense of love for her was flourishing in me and having experienced their vulnerability and also my own of entering into the unknown terrains of not knowing where our work was taking us; I sensed Rachael’s world through partially stepping out of mine and by remaining within my Humanistic position (Whitton, 2006).

Rachael expressed that she became aware. It appeared that I was feeling for Rachael what she appeared unable to communicate in feelings on an awareness of how life felt at age ten for herself as Rachael spoke about her feelings around the awareness she had about her getting insight to age ten on the timeline, I respected and sensed a pause on the timeline activity (See Appendix II, g). This can still trigger a sadness on my behalf for the son and equally for Rachael that she was denied by her caregiver the love that implemented her conditions of worth and how she could relate to her son (Beckett and Taylor, 2016) in how she feels she could have done had she had the understanding that she does now.I hold a sadness for both their losses. The nurturing relationship that is now forming between myself and Rachael may help support Rachael in such a way, where she is more at peace with herself, and more resilient (Thorne, 2008). What mattered were Rachael’s experience and my supporting of this. Especially recently I had a sense of nurturing my client in a way, which gave me a sense of a parent/child relationship. This was another shift in the relationship, which gave a sense of deeper warmth towards Rachael (see Appendix I, B, p. 45)

I embrace a genuine caring for her, and the trust has built (Thorne, 2016) (see Appendix III, 1a). Irespect her as a person and appreciate how our views may differ and having gained an insight to Rachael’s childhood and how it appeared that she was not shown how to love unconditionally and this (as described by Rachael) repressed her development and caused damage that she is now trying to heal from (see Appendix I, A, p.41).

Rachael :‘When my son died, Amanda told me that: ‘it’s not as bad for you as it is for me’ And Rachael’s face in this moment looked how I began to start feeling – she looked confused, bedazzled (like a child that had been told off and not knowing what for’ (Appendix I, A, p. 41) box and with this a sense of confusion came over me, we looked at each other in dismay and Racheal’s face in this moment looked how I was feeling. She looked confused, bedazzled. I also felt a sense of confusion, we both looked at each other in dismay –I felt that, I had entered into how Rachael may have experienced her world and may still feel now. I had a sense of how that might feel, it resembled a lack of autonomy and it softened me towards Rachael as I noticed the vulnerability in Rachael and how she was unable to make any decisions for herself even to think and how to feel, it gave insight to the parts that Racheal has expressed she feels have been damaging to her growth and development in her childhood and adolescent years. I could sense that, in that moment, I felt connected with a sense of an inability to gather my thoughts.

I shared with Rachael: ‘As you conveyed your experience with me, I felt a sense of confusion come over me’ BOX (Appendix I, A, p.41).

This experience allowed me to touch in on how life must have been for Rachael by not feeling heard and respected for her individual self, which may have hindered her natural organismic valuing process (Schneider, et al, 2015). When someone is telling you what to think or feel and taking away one a person’schoice invites me to think about how it felt to be Rachael. My desire is to help support her to express herself has grown within the dynamics of our relationship (Proctor, 2017). I get this sense that Rachael has been building a picture of her for me to like her, mostly only bringing parts that may bring out a liking in me towards her. I sense this helps her to allow herself to be more open. I am now trying to encourage her, that she can take a risk and be more open and particularly offering a relationship that feels safe and promotes autonomy (Rogers, 1942).

We have been working for over a year and we have worked in a person-centred way that has built trust (Tolan and Wilkins, 2012). I am finding myself more challenging to help Rachael trust to communicate her inner world safely rather than communicating parts, that keep her external locus of evaluation structure solid (Sanders, et al, 2012). Recently, our sessions have moved beyond what felt like a retreating phase and Rachel has expressed her dedication in wanting to achieve her therapeutic goals. I am perceiving how Rachael is getting more in touch with her internal locus of evaluation, which is supporting Rachael in relatingto her core self (Rogers, 1961). Her self-concept is the picture of herself and what she self-evaluates is the picture of this (Brammer, 1989).

Conclusion

From the moment I became a researcher I became the vessel to the questions, topics or themes upon the shores of discoveries that brought life to and captivated encounters of myself and the implications of personal and social meanings. I experienced dreams and visions which were profoundly meaningful, something that I had not experienced regarding my client work prior neither to this research, nor with such intensity and powerful messages. I also found the last phase of my research incredibly emotionally exhaustive but equally whole heartedly warming. I am still reflecting on these discoveries to try to identify the closest meaning and what I conclude so far is that my interpretations reveal my connection to my client and it appears to me, when I search deeply that identifying my clients process also recognises my own. It appeared like a mirror reflection and was signified in my dream ‘where self gets self’ – It was through our meeting at a deeper level that we could communicate at a deeper level, a sense of the core self-became a theme within or through the theme of UPR. I found myself sending out a search beacon of enquiring light, which harbours within me since the moment the initial engagement took place (Moustakas, 1990). I also went through a period where things felt laid to rest and then suddenly nearer the end of my research everything came to life (Moustakas, 1990).

The heuristic research process created an in depth understanding of how projections, assumptions etc initially got in the way of me truly meeting my client at the core of their self. what has been remarkable for me has been noticing, witnessing and living through the experience of my client making such positive change for themselves and myself growing through this journey with them in the way that I am more mindful of what it means to really be able to support somebody when they’re sat on the rocks (Freeth, 2007). In Jungian terms, I went through a process, whereby I learnt to embrace the shadow self of myself rather than being selective and believe that this promoted a more honest relationship with myself and Rachael. This research also brought attention to that although I am non-directive in my approach; I notice how I am directive in the way of creating those conditions. I feel that, UPR is an aspect that is instilled in me which I harbour and can touch in on it easily. My learning is that working with a person, where there was initially visible diversity and through working closely together on a deeper level and engaging in the heuristic method, that has given me an insight to a deeper, more spiritual awareness of having a closer connection to everyone and working with Rachel feels now that there is no difference, although I respect that, we are both unique individuals and with an increased sense of equality. Having a connection, having engaged on such a deep level, I feel that, not only her own process, but also my own process have bought an awareness that at the core of ourselves we are the same, which I would have never thought I would think, say, write or even ponder over with a profound interest and acceptance. (ADD an area for further RESEARCH in process orientated qualitative research).

Valuable learning for me was the noticing of a heightened self-awareness of my own feelings and responses in the work with my client and how over the course of time my willingness to be present with my client grew. I became more aware that as much as I was fully aware of my senses and thoughts, my frame of reference felt laid aside, with this I do not mean that it was deadened, quite the opposite, I felt more whole than ever before as I was connected to my client with a full acceptance of their being and without putting myself to one side, more of a submission, merely my presence was not imposing the relationship, where I feel open and receptive to the essence that is shared between us with a full focus on my client. I agree with Elizabeth Freire as she explains that: ‘the presence of the therapist comes through the surrender, through the therapist’s dedication to the client’s unique being’ (Freire, 2000, p.51) and her writing captures my strengthened psychological belief where I feel deeply accepting and understanding of myself and others and perceive enhanced equality. Whereby I have come to the conclusion that as much as I do not condone wrong doing, and embrace my core values/ morals dearly; my understanding through my training and research has given me a different perspective on life where I feel more accepting and understanding of myself and others which I feel is an awareness and belief that sits engrained in my whole being and I feel radiates outwards in my personal and professional encounters.